I thought I’d try my hand at science for a change.
A new element has been discovered to be added to the
This hurricane mess and gasoline issues are proof that
it exists. A major research institution has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element has been named
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take
more than four days to complete, when it would
normally take less than a second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it
does not decay, but instead, undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over
time, since each re-organization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred
to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money,
Governmentium becomes Administratium — an element
which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium
since it has half as many peons but twice as many